


Can We Save Love, Or Save Ourselves For Love? by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek TOS AU
Genre: Angst, Bottom Spock, Erotica, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, K/S plus K/other or S/other, Kirk/Spock Slash, M/M, Pon Farr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 06:08:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10327463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: Spock is struggling with and amidst his grief. A Nexus tale. Added Spones.





	

**Author's Note:**

> After Jim is lost in the Nexus, Spock has problems to add to his grief...
> 
> Categories: Fiction  
> Characters: Amanda, McCoy, Sarek  
> Crossover Fandom: None  
> Genres: K/S plus K/other or S/other, Kirk/Spock Slash  
> Other Languages: None  
> Story Type: Angst, Erotica, First Time, Hurt/Comfort  
> Trope (OPTIONAL): Bottom Spock, Pon Farr  
> Universe: AU Alternate Universe, ST:TOS Original Universe  
> Warnings: None  
> Series: None  
> Chapters: 1 Table of Contents  
> Completed: Yes Word count: 2760 Read Count: 480

Can We Save Love, Or Save Ourselves For Love?

Spock tried to steady the tremors. He tried to meditate away the needs; the periods of sweating, which Vulcans weren't supposed to be able to do - Maybe not, in normal circumstances - or maybe, it was his half human genetics he had to thank for hallucinogenic outbreaks of sweating.

He lay there, this night, trying not to count the minutes, the passing of hours until Jim's return, when all of this could be dealt with. Spock lay there, trying not to wish it would ease, or give in to the need to touch himself - but, sooner rather than later, he reasoned, that might be the logical thing to do. Or would it? Would it ease it, or would it start the fire burning deeper?

))))

Then, dawned the day; not the day Spock had been waiting, trying to keep alive for - but, instead, the day that almost killed him.

Jim would not be coming back. He was M.I.A, some said, presumed dead, after the Enterprise B's disastrous inauguration flight.

That day, McCoy had come to be by Spock's side, and he would not leave. Spock knew he would certainly never leave if he knew what Spock expected, that he (himself) was going through Pon Farr.

 

So, they went on, in the days following the news, living side by side, in Spock and Jim's home- because it was still Jim's home. It always would be.

Feeling particularly unwell this night, Spock had walked into the bathroom, and, in a daze, started the shower. He peeled off his clothes; some of them while he was actually under the shower head...

McCoy was walking past the bathroom, reading a historical novel, that in one hand, a cup of camomile tea in the other, heading back toward his bedroom. He heard the water running, and then, he heard the slump.

He put the tea down inside an empty jardinière in the hallway, chucked his book to one side, on the floor, and knocked on the bathroom door "Spock! Are you alright??" He couldn't hear much in reply, so he tried the door handle, and was glad of the fact that, apparently, even Spock sometimes forgot to lock the bathroom door.

Moving in quickly, he saw Spock, crumpled against the shower wall. "Oh, Spock..!" He murmured, very worried, of course, as he turned off the shower, and knelt in front of Spock.

Spock's eyes blinked open. "I miss him..." He told McCoy. "And, I think..." His voice drifted.

"You think what?" McCoy asked, touching the back of his hand to Spock's face and forehead, in turn, thus beginning to come up with some 'conclusions' of his own.

"I think this is my Pon Farr." Spock said, reaching out to McCoy, his friend, his arm shaky. "I want to die. If Jim is dead, then, I have no reason to live, and every reason to die. I do not wish to resolve this."

McCoy had moved to get a towel, and switch on the 'drier' fans in the bathroom; at once, warm air, like a warm breeze, permeated the room. He moved back to Spock just as quickly. "And what if Jim is alive?? What if you do have every reason to live?"

"Then, how can I solve this without betraying him? I cannot." Spock said. "I don't even know that it would," Spock paused, embarrassed, "would work." He said "Now that Jim and I are Bonded -married."

McCoy got up yet again, and moved the chair from the corner of the room, nearer to Spock. "Can you get onto the chair?" He asked gently.

Spock looked up at him and tried to move.

McCoy went to his aid, and just about got Spock into the chair, as the Vulcan's legs nearly buckled. "Wait here." He said gently. "Do not try and move. I'm going to get my medical bag. I'm going to try and be of some help. I won't hurt you." He tried to assure Spock, seeing the expression in his eyes. "I'm no threat here." McCoy turned, walked to his bedroom next door, and fetched the bag back into the bathroom - once again, moving to Spock's side. He moved the Medical Tricorder in proximity to Spock's body.

"I don't want to have to go back to Vulcan, and throw myself at the mercy of whoever the Healers find for me." Spock managed to say, and he said it plainly. "You say that you're no threat to me - then, does that mean that you're here to help me?" Spock touched McCoy's face.

McCoy's hand went to hold Spock's. "Don't you think that we'd both feel guilty? That Jim might then ask us if we both have always felt something for each other? Ask you if you flipped a coin for us, or something?"

"You're correct." Spock replied so tiredly. "You will just have to let me go, Bones." Spock used Jim's name for their friend. "Let me die. He probably is waiting for me already."

"I can't let you go, Spock. Not now, when he's only just gone. Not until our very old days, if I can help it." McCoy confided. "Can we just get you to Vulcan, please?"

Spock nodded, conceding.

))))

McCoy had gone to Vulcan with Spock, (after the Vulcan Embassy arranged a flight for them). He insisted upon it, since he had, after all, been the Medic in residence with Spock, for the past few days.

Once there, it was a matter of handing Spock over to the Healers. McCoy stayed in the grounds of Sarek and Amanda's home, in a lodge on their land. He'd been on Vulcan just over twenty four Earth hours, by his reckoning, when the Healers asked him, Sarek, and Amanda, to the Hospital, to discuss Spock's 'case'.

At the hospital, McCoy sat in a consulting room, opposite Sarek and Amanda; Sarek sat there, hands steepled, looking as though he were in some level of meditation. Amanda got up and walked around every now and again. She and McCoy would glance at each other, and smile, trying to reassure one another.

A Healer, a male, who would, McCoy estimated, be about thirty human years old, perhaps thirty two or thirty three, entered the room, and began talking to them.

"The mating that we arranged did not work." He told them. "We have considered use of the new Holodeck facility that has been installed here at the hospital, but that could make things worse. In his mind's current state, believing a hologram to be real, and then, finding that it isn't, when we turn off the holodeck program, could cause even more separation trauma than Spock is already suffering. It could also lead to him harming whomever he thinks has separated him from 'Kirk'. Unfortunately, this is something to consider in most of the things we have either tried for Spock, or thought about trying.He has six hours of lucidity left. Therefore, in five point five three hours, we intend to put Spock in an induced coma. This will be either until he has pulled through the Plak Tow, with medical assistance, or until he dies." He paused. "If Spock had successfully Bonded with anyone before James T. Kirk, then, perhaps that would work, but this is not the case is it?"

"No." Sarek replied. 

Amanda shook her head, wiping away a single tear with her handkerchief, perhaps from guilt that she'd ever let that Betrothal happen, perhaps, for her son now, and McCoy inwardly shuddered at the thought of that bitch, T'Pring.

"The Bond of you, Doctor McCoy, carrying Spock's Katra, is different to the Bond created of love, from Spock and Kirk's union." The Healer stated.

"This I know." McCoy commented.

"There is a chance that Spock's mind would see your bond with him as a threat to the one he is grieving for, and shared with James T. Kirk." The young Doctor fathomed.

"But?" McCoy asked.

"The bond, the closeness, that stems from, and surrounds, your bond, might be enough." Was his answer.

"Yet it could bring forward Plak Tow?" McCoy asked, "In his muddled mind?"

"We should be able to stop it getting that far, but it is a risk to be given thought. As I have said, we have calculated that Spock now has a little less than six hours left to him, before Plak Tow steals away his mind and identity. Every option contains risks." The Vulcan Doctor told the human Doctor, and Spock's parents. The Healer looked at each of the people in the room and, said, "I'll give you some moments to talk amongst yourselves, and then, I will be back, and will take you through to Spock's room. He wishes to see each of you in turn." The Healer, having said that, turned, and left.

Amanda looked from Sarek to McCoy. "I know I cannot expect a miracle again, and, perhaps, I am being selfish, if Jim has truly gone, too, but I can't lose Spock again. I can't!"

"Neither can I." McCoy noted, getting up from his chair, and walking to where the Healer had previously left the room.

"Where are you going, Leonard?" Amanda asked. "I didn't mean that you should risk yourself for him."

McCoy turned back momentarily. "I know. Don't worry." He turned back to the door, and walked through it.

)))

After finding the Healer that had just spoken to them, McCoy convinced the young man to let him into Spock's room, to talk with him right now.

He found himself in Spock's room, and moved forward quickly, to sit by his bed, lean forward, and talk to him.

Spock looked at him, as McCoy held his hand.

"You remember, two days ago, when you asked if I could help you?" McCoy stroked Spock's hand. "I can't let you die."

"You must let me do so." Spock answered.

"If we did this, if you and I had sex," McCoy waited a second, trying to gage the stare that Spock gave him. "We could dedicate our lives to finding out what happened to Jim. You told me that you don't think he's dead. I don't either." Leonard paused. "I can't lose you both. I might be ruining my friendship with you both, in the future, but I need to save you, Spock. Please, let me try. So, that we can get on with helping Jim."

"He might not forgive me. In as many days as partners, I have at least tried to have sex with, first, a stranger, and now, you. The Healers stepped in and stopped things when they picked me out a partner, because they were afraid my fighting instinct, the Plak Tow, would come forward, if I felt I was being forced into anything. Jim will still have much to forgive me for." Spock replied, imaging Jim asking if McCoy had always been in the picture; if that was why he gave McCoy his Karta; if Spock had only chosen Jim because he was the 'easiest' to go for; his Bisexual predilections known?

"He would want you to live - He definitely will want you alive, if he's out there somewhere... There's no guarantee we'll find him." McCoy saw panic in Spock's eyes, and tried to soothe it away by gently touching his cheekbone, carefully brushing his thumb over it. He continued to do so, as Spock's hand came to his face, and touched him similarly. 'Perhaps this is the beginning of a mild meld of sorts.' McCoy thought. "Yet, we're going to do all we can to bring him home, aren't we? And, that starts with getting you better. Just give yourself a chance at another seven years of this life. We don't know for sure that Jim is gone yet."

)))

After his and Spock's talk, it was arranged for them to have the privacy they needed, and the medications that would help them both through this...

Bones lay on large bed, beside Spock, facing him. He blushed bright red, he knew he did, as he said. "Spock, I know this is a cliché, but, please, try and be gentle with me. I've never done it with a man before."

Spock could not hide his own awkwardness, as he replied. "It could be less nerve-wracking for us both if we at least started this, with you be the one to penetrate me." He paused. "The majority of the time, it is how Jim and I do things..." He paused. "It is how we did things."

"Okay..." McCoy was still nervous. "I don't know if I'll be able to..." He cleared his throat. "If I'll be able to get it up though, Spock. So, you in me is probably going to give you the best result."

"May I touch you?" Spock asked, trying to fight the trembling in his body and in his voice.

"Yes." McCoy was doing the same.

Spock's hands moved down, caressing and coaxing McCoy's thighs, and then, very surreptitiously, he touched McCoy's genitalia, using his nimble and elegant fingers, pulling himself and McCoy into an embrace with his other arm, so that they could lean upon one another.

McCoy felt himself get a hard on. He felt nervous again, but made an effort to relax in Spock's hands, as they looked into each other's eyes. He kissed Spock's collarbone, as Spock continued touching him, and they looked, again, at one another. McCoy was afraid that the kiss was one step too far - neither of them wanted to be disloyal to Jim. Yet, kisses to the body seemed to be accepted, when given and received - even if they were afraid to kiss each other on the lips, or, in the Vulcan way, of the O'zhesta.

Spock turned around, almost silently, and McCoy knew what he was being asked to do. He moved closer to Spock, and gradually, gradually, he found his way inside Spock. He used the palms of his hands, cupping the front of Spock's shoulders tenderly, and began to roll his hips. They fucked, for a while, like this, until somehow, perhaps through a low level of touch telepathy at this early stage, or because he was doing it with another man, and knew what certain signs meant, even across the so-called species 'divide' apparently, or because, well, he was a Doctor, McCoy knew that Spock was yearning for more touch somewhere specific - on his cock. "Is it alright if I touch you there?" McCoy murmured.

"I think so. I hope so. Please." Spock answered.

McCoy nearly froze. Was Spock in tears, with his back turned, not just for sexual reasons, but so that McCoy wouldn't see him cry. He was very careful as he touched the half-Vulcan, in his most intimate physical place.

Spock was yearning.

McCoy was too.

They both felt guilty, and they knew it... But mentioning it out loud, other than in utterances and loving touches between their minds, as a meld grew, might mean that this wouldn't work, and would all be for nothing...

"Shall I keep going?" McCoy asked, disbelieving that he was considering the other option; letting Spock slip into death, in a coma.

Spock put his fist on his thigh, as he cried silently. "Please. You are not harming me. Not at all. I am upset because I am responding to this, enjoying it."

McCoy braved moving one of his hands, and holding Spock's hand; half wondering if Spock would push it away; pleased that he didn't. "I'd rather we both enjoy this, than hate it. Hating it would make it in to something terrible. As it is, this is about a bid for life. Yours, and Jim's, and mine - because I don't want to be without either of you. Whatever happens, Jim will love you forever. I'm not sure what he'll think of me - but you, he'll love forever."

Spock leaned his body back on McCoy's.

McCoy kissed the nape of Spock's neck, and held him as he'd just admitted, by leaning back, that he needed to be held.

They continued making love; trying not to think about the guilt they felt, or their awkwardness, or their nerves, about what would happen the rest of this night, or any other -after this became a part of their past.

'Please, live. Please, let this be worth it.' McCoy prayed, in the midst of so many other thoughts.

The End?

Written on the 23rd and 26th of April 2016


End file.
